Birth; Destine To Suffer?

This existence is the cruelest punishment of this reality. Honestly, think about it, and I don’t mean to be the pessimistic one by simply pointing out the obvious, life is miserable! Most of us constantly tending to the crumbling illusion of a possible moment of “true happiness” if that even exists as something more than a vague term.
To live, to exist is to suffer! And in its awful, twisted, satirical nature, existence makes a fool of even the wisest of us. In fact, I am beginning to believe that the suffering of this existence is only multiplied upon those of us who are more lucid. Being a sheep must be pleasant, truly peaceful; the ability to simply blame your misfortunes on luck, or god, or any number of things.
To make matters worst culture, tradition, society insures that the few opportunities of possible happiness that one could possibly experience are out of reach, and replaced by trivial empty experiences. Relationships replaced with empty sexual intercourse, bliss with intoxication, peace of mind with consumerism, freedom with capitalism (the illusion of choice).
What I find most ironic of all is the fact that I do not wish to cease my “I AM (ɜrɡoʊ sʊm)”, I simply wish to put an end to the state of suffering I find myself in!
Since I came to this conclusion I have had so many discussions. Some of which with those aware of our plight, others with those who wished to maintain the illusion. The endless parrots pointing me to religion, and other foolish endeavors. Those who claim that a second life exists. That I should just endure the sufferings of this life as a test. An idea that I find not only ridiculously convenient, but also detrimental to the valuation of the only life I know actually exists.
I find myself constantly running into the fools who believe in wishful thinking. People who believe in all sorts of metaphysical bullshit like “The Secret”. These individuals who feed the “I Am” with the notion that it is truly special, that other than the consequences of their actions they can actually influence reality; the deluded bunch!
I’ll be honest with you, I’m exhausted! I’m tired, i’ve washed up on shore after the ship wreck only to realize that I am no better off than I was in the storm. In fact, I am worst off because even the storm has an eye, the illusion of peace, and tranquility so many seek refuge in as mentioned above.
The vail of ignorance has been removed from my eyes, and now that it has I only wish to put it back on; to be able to lie to myself. I want to be able to tell myself that I am loved by someone who doesn’t judge me, and that I have a destiny. I want to tell myself that when I die I will go somewhere awesome. I want to tell myself that I was someone important in a past life,  or whatever other non-sense people believe in nowadays. I simply can’t go back into the dark cave I was freed from, unfortunately the outside is worst.
I realize that my life up until this moment hasn’t given any fruits. I’ve spent countless hours knowingly consuming the fruits of our sick “I AM” society in hopes to bring closure to the suffering.
Writing has a funny way of bring out the deepest form of reflection. And as I write the solution to the problem becomes ever more clear, I need to die.
  I’ve spent my whole life up learning new things, consuming information and not putting any of it into action. Always, chasing the illusion that happiness will be right around the next corner. This is only a lie, one I’m fighting to uphold.
I need to die, and so do you in order to be happy. The inner you, what separates you from your surroundings, you need to kill it, I know how crazy this sounds but its now clear to me, it became clear while writing this article.
The problem is the “I Am”, and the fact that the “I AM” doesn’t want to die, it wants to live, and it wants to be in control, which unfortunately will only end in more suffering.
I know I am not the first person to come to this conclusion, many have. Perhaps this idea is simply the last ramblings of a mad man, like those who came before me. Just another illusion.
You don’t want to hear this, you don’t want to listen to what I am writing, you want to close the site, and leave. I know it, because I feel like closing the notepad, and walking away. Nobody wants to die, but you need to, you have to.
The truth is, we have been attempting to find a solution to this problem since forever. We have invented innumerable gods, heavens, hells, ideologies, attempting to tame or kill the “I AM” and so far none have succeeded, though the idea of Buddhism fancies me.
I’m probably wrong, we probably need to really die in order to solve this issue, that blows. Sometimes it sucks admitting that you do not have the answers. That you can’t stop the agony. The bottomline is the suffering will only continue. You will wake up to suffering physically, mentally, emotionally. You will interact with others in the exact same state of mind, some aware some oblivious. You will meet that girl you like, you will seduce her, you will sleep with her but even while still in the act the suffering will continue.
That empty vacuum, you will attempt to fill it with wisdom, knowledge but true knowledge only leads to more questions, never to answers. You will ramble to others still trapped in the cave, and they will persecute you, you will look to the sky and hope a god exists only to feel the cold harsh elements. You will seek out others, but be unable to truly communicate with them, you will realize that you are alone, always truly alone.
Then one day you will lay down, and the last breaths of air will leave your body and it will be all over for you. If you are like 99.99999% of the inhabitants of this planet your life will not be memorable.
I am sorry this is the truth, something most of us can’t handle or don’t want to hear. The unfortunate reality is even if you do manage to give your life some personal meaning, it will be irrelevant to anyone outside of yourself. Then again, what is yourself anyway, who are you, what are you, why are you, when are you? The truth is bleak, empty and cold. Maybe one day I will find out how to kill myself, hopefully its before I die. Is that wishful thinking? koʊɡɨtoʊ ɜrɡoʊ sʊm


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